As I browsed through the Catalog website I ended on a short paragraph under the Extended Programs.
Below is the passage I chose to revise:
Through Eastern’s Extended Programs units, it is now possible for individual adult students, businesses, government and social agencies to access the tremendous resources of one of Michigan’s leading universities. Using alternative formats and teaching technologies, we deliver education, applied research, training and consultation services. Ongoing research initiatives and collaborations ensure that our programs respond to changing needs in a changing environment.
Below is the passage as I revised it:
Individual adult students, businesses, government, and social agencies are able to access the resources of Eastern Michigan University through the Extended Programs units. EMU delivers education, applied research, training and consultation services by using alternative formats and teaching technologies. EMU ensures that programs respond to changing needs in the environment through ongoing research initiatives and collaborations.
I think that the slight movements of words and the elimination of unnecessary and/or repetitive words are the small things that Williams would say help with clarity, cohesion, and emphasis. I am not saying I agree with all of William's critique, but I do feel that it does this section of text good.
In the first sentence, I feel that although "Extended Programs" is the subject of the sentence, placing it at the end of the sentence creates more emphasis on what you want the reader to walk away remembering.
The second and third sentence both follow a very common "formula" for how a basic sentence looks. "Subject"+"Action(s)"+"How the action was completed"=SENTENCE! These formula was only completed upon revision of the section of text I chose to revise.
The original text can be found at: http://catalog.emich.edu/content.php?catoid=1&navoid=34.
Below is the passage as I revised it:
Individual adult students, businesses, government, and social agencies are able to access the resources of Eastern Michigan University through the Extended Programs units. EMU delivers education, applied research, training and consultation services by using alternative formats and teaching technologies. EMU ensures that programs respond to changing needs in the environment through ongoing research initiatives and collaborations.
I think that the slight movements of words and the elimination of unnecessary and/or repetitive words are the small things that Williams would say help with clarity, cohesion, and emphasis. I am not saying I agree with all of William's critique, but I do feel that it does this section of text good.
In the first sentence, I feel that although "Extended Programs" is the subject of the sentence, placing it at the end of the sentence creates more emphasis on what you want the reader to walk away remembering.
The second and third sentence both follow a very common "formula" for how a basic sentence looks. "Subject"+"Action(s)"+"How the action was completed"=SENTENCE! These formula was only completed upon revision of the section of text I chose to revise.
The original text can be found at: http://catalog.emich.edu/content.php?catoid=1&navoid=34.
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